Melrose Place Cast

You're never going to believe what happened next. Melrose Place has installed an experimental Black Box theater in the apartment that Peepin' Ted used to creep on Amanda.

Or: ... black box theatre. However you want to say it. Or read it.

Anyway, for the first production, Melrose Place went big budget, and got the rights to Wicked, The Musical, and Teege and Mary are the casting directors.

Let's see how things go with this casting couch, shall we?

In the grand scheme of the world, it turns out that St. Nick's Day is only celebrated in a few cities in the country. That includes urban paradises such as New Ulm, Minnesota, Pella, Iowa, and for our purposes, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Of course, one of the Melrose Place women from indescript Midwestern States certainly brought the tradition with them. So we investigate how each of our favorite characters celebrated this good holiday.

Who got fruit in their stocking?!?

In 2025, Black Friday is a relatively calm, largely online affair. But in the 90s? Chaos. Injury. Retail *war* with actual fists.

So what do you think our season five girlies were like during Black Friday on Melrose Place?

Your Melrose Super Fans provide the definitive, *cannon* answer.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future.

It's 2025. 30 years after 1995. So what would a Melrose Place reunion for Thanksgiving look like?

Who has too many grandchildren?

Who is Michael trying to sleep with?

Who is just happy to be included?

We got you.

What, exactly, would Americans do if we found an underground cavern of a vast unicorn society?

By Americans, of course, we mean capitalist corporations. Because, at Mitt Romney taught us, corporations are people, my friend!

Yes, the fast food industry would be grinding up those unicorn hoofs and deep frying them faster than you can say "have that unicorn your way!"

In the archives of major American rhetorical moments, "Leave Britney Alone!" by Cara Cunningham (formerly known as Chris Crocker) is one of the most impactful. She taught a generation about the dangers of gossip magazines and criticism culture in one poorly-lit youtube video.

Well, Cara is in good company. Won't people ever Leave Jane Alone?

We at the Melrose Place Cast LOVE accountability, even when it's being directed at us. And when we promised our sponsors to produce ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS ... and then failed to deliver ... well we were left with no other options than to put this out one more time.

(In actuality - this is meant to be a time capsule moment where we revisit some of the earlier seasons)

In real life, these episodes of Melrose Place existed at the same time as The Macarena. Why, oh why, have we not seen this epic dance trend show up on camera yet?

Will it?

Should it?

We investigate.

Whether you're talking about Sarah Palin or Sydney Andrews, one thing is sure, you're talking about chaos, flakiness, and feminine guiles.

Unless it's sexist to say that, in which case delete that line.

This week, we look at the soaring rhetoric of "I can see Russia from my house" and compare it to a speech written for Sydney Andrews about all the things she can se from her Director's Chair.

Is Amanda even a main character any more?

Michael found out about Kimberly's diagnosis, and is insisting on being by her side. This includes asking Megan to hide their new marriage from everyone until Kimberly gets raptured up or taken down.

Sydney continues her relationship with Backstreet Boy Genius, and is in a pickle because his handler has paid off her debts.

Craig's dad has a heart attack while getting ready to write Amanda Woodward a blackmail check for five million dollars. Craig and...

Our long Melrose Nightmare of boring storylines and unexciting drama has finally ended. Jane has been written off, probably never to return again. (wink, wink)

We were so bored by Jane, we literally forgot to record and then publish this send off episode. So you got it late, but here it is!

In this special mini-sode to round out September (don't judge us this show is getting difficult to keep up with) - we are joined by our all-star special guest Christopher to discuss some erotic art he created and why Teege finds Matt Fielding *so hot* but Doug Savaant *so not*.

Official court proceedings, Arby's, MTG, Laura Loomer, all wrapped up in one episode!

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST - CHRISTOPHER FROM MELROSE SHELTERING IN PLACE PODCAST!

And, just like that, Jane's gone? For some reason the writers wanted to put Jane through hell to justify to the audience that she was leaving. But, like, did we need to be convinced to be okay with this turn of events? Sydney set it all up, and now owns the Boutique.

Sam and Billy are in that gross phase of a relationship where everything is perfect whereas Matt and Dan are in the exact opposite...

George Washington famously stepped down from power and warned a young nation against dangerous alliances.
Jo Reynolds did the same, only with more denim and a stolen baby who was breastfed by Kimberly Shaw.

In this gripping farewell, Jo says goodbye to Melrose Place, and sanity itself, with a heartfelt address about betrayal, kidnapping, and rocking chairs that still haunt her dreams.

May God bless you. And may Kimberly never lactate in your direction.

Oh, I get it now, Peter's an accidental doctor because he did a surprise tracheotomy or whatever that word is. Thus ends the Peter paralyzed by fear storyline. This should help his relationship with Amanda.

Matt and Dan take a dark turn as Dan punches Matt in the face in a scene that was oddly steamy, not because of the violence but because of Matt's fierceness.

Jane. Ugh, whatever.

Jake and Alison are having marriage talk, soft launching the idea.

Barack Obama united a nation with three simple words: Yes We Can.
Rhonda Blair divided a dinner party with one simple action: bringing pasta and accidentally revealing Jane’s attempted abortion.

In this episode, we honor President Obama’s call to hope and possibility, then pivot to Rhonda’s call to never, ever boil water without understanding the consequences.

It’s not just a kitchen. It’s a cautionary tale.

Yes We Can… but should we have?

Well, we can only assume that the episode title writer was on vacation or got involved with Kimberly Shaw because there's no clear indication what this title had to do with the episode.

Taylor continues as though she was written as two characters - being oddly obsessive with Peter but normal in all other cases.

Kimberly is going to unalive herself joyfully.

They did it again - turned Jane's story line, which was the main plot for the week, boring.

In 1851, Sojourner Truth delivered a soul-shaking speech demanding that women, especially Black women, be seen, heard, and honored.
In Season 3 of Melrose Place, Alison Parker delivered a similar plea… when she skipped an entire week of work to cry about a voicemail from Billy.

This episode explores the historic intersections of abolitionist feminism and workplace flakiness, culminating in a passionate monologue about blackouts, breakups, and being just barely employed.

Ain’t I a Creative Director?

Is this title Shakespearean dumb or just dumb? Either way, Jane is desperately seeking mommy, using a whole lot of insensitive terminology about whether Sydney is her "real" sister or how she can find her "real" mother. Teege tees up on this bullshit.

Kimberly continues her weird separation game with Michael, for the benefit of Michael. As a reminder, she hired a prostitute to entertain Michael while she was in her sexless era, but then elevated the arrangement to marriage when she got a terminal diagnosis.

Sam, Billy, and...

In the first of a new approach, we took robot remix, and asked it to guide Mary through a series of gutwrenching choices.

Did robot misunderstand the phrase "robot remix" and make this all sci fi supernatural high tech matrix-y?

Yes.

We'll fix it next time.

If you had asked us to predict what would cause the longest episode of our podcast ever - we would not have said it was Jane searching for her mother.

Truth be told, it's because we started recording much earlier in the evening and felt totally unrestrained.

Anyway, we got some gay drama at the restaurant with Matt finding out boyfriend doctor is controlling thanks to yet another patient gay boyfriend doctor had been with. Also, let's not forget, that scene gave us this iconic line: "I've never had...

Well, well, well. Let's look back and revisit the joy that was season four. The guest stars, and there were plenty of them, who left us too soon. But which ones would we most want to spend some more time with, if we could? Well, we'll work through this the hard way - and by that, we mean, we're going to include the Parezis in this little game.

One pairing at a time, we'll come to a consensus about which guest star we'd like to see a bit more of - until we ultimately...

Well, Gail is here, and she is bored.

Jane's adopted, as revealed by blood types.

Alison doesn't want Jake telling her what to do with her career.

Peter is getting stage fright in the same room he tried to murder Amanda Woodward.

Kyle comes off as toxic to Gail, who has no backstory, and we can't disagree.

Craig Fields who should have a different last name because of Matt Fielding already being a character...

Well, when a plan doesn't come together as intended, what happens? Chaos, insurgency, murder, arson, death, destruction, and perhaps one character who sneaks away to plot revenge and a sequel...

Let the record show, we tried very intentionally to be culturally sensitive to a tribe of people who refuse to let us get to know them, to understand their beliefs, customs, and values. Every time we ask, it's just arrow to the chest.

Which certainly makes for an interesting pool-side mixer.

Well, by hook or by crook, these two crazy scamps got a group of North Sentinelese to settle into Melrose Place. Hijinx ensue.

We're dealing with first contact, and immediate regret. This week, we take a little dip into a North Sentinelese pond and imagine what would happen if Kimberly and Sydney rolled up on this untouched island.

Well, we're going through with it. All common sense and cultural sensitivity available to us is needed to get through this five-week series.

This week, we're zeroing in on *what* Kimberly is doing, how Sydney fits in, and *why* it may just be her most humanitarian work yet.

Well, we're doing what we normally do - taking the half-way point of the year to SLOW DOWN the recording schedule.

What's that? You want to know how we could slow it down more than we have? Fair question.

Either way, we wanted to give you some hot, fresh, Melrose Place content.

Inspired by this idiot, we used robot to imagine what it would look like if we took a tribe untouched by modern society, and moved them into Melrose Place.

Mykhailo...

On a more professional podcast, Teege was chastised for finding a way to work Jimmy Carter into discussions of Melrose Place.

Challenge accepted, Nathan.

One week before "the most boring episode of Melrose Place ever" - we have a rather good one. We learned the real tea behind Kimberly and Megan, and Michael literally becomes a gift to a woman.

Amanda and Taylor keep fighting, and Peter gets Amanda a $10 mood ring. This story line is on a slow boil, and it needs to turn up the heat as impatiently as me cooking macaroni and cheese as a fourteen year old.

Sam and Craig continue their romance, although my notes continue to refer...

Okay, let's think about it - who had the saddest story arc of the entire season? To come to a conclusion, Mary and I debate (and remember!) all that happened in season four, to figure out who came out on bottom. There are definitely some upsets.

The brackets (in threes - with the third name getting a bye to the second round) are:

The Armstrongs

Alison

Billy

*** Brooke

Jake & The Girls

Jo

Jane

Well, now the full origin story of Victoria Taylor McBride (or whatever her given first name was - we already forgot) is coming to light - but she's still deceiving Peter. And Peter is lying to Amanda, and immediately kicking himself about it.

Jake, Alison, and Jane. Whatever. Jane has apologized, admitting she lost control. Jake believes it to be sincere, Alison is suspicious.

The real fun is over with Michael, Megan, and Kimberly. Kimberly sees a priest, who doesn't die from the interaction. Kimberly is going to die...

Before she arrived in Los Angeles, Kimberly Shaw was a promising young med student from Ohio.

Much like Wicked, let's go back in time, and explore how Kimberly became the person we've come to know, love, and fear, from Melrose Place.

Okay, we get it - these episodes are getting a bit on the long side.

That said, Melrose Place is adding layers of depth and content and sudsy trashy soap.

This week alone, we find out that Megan Lewis has a magical blouse that reveals all Michael needs to know. Kimberly is dangerously sick. Mary has yet to put together the connection between those two things.

Sydney continues to scamp about, while falling in love with Kyle and treating us to a wonderful season...

Catching up on the early seasons, join us as we splash back in time to simpler days: season two of Melrose Place.

Which guest star would we MOST want to join us in our podcasting studio? The answer may surprise you.

We had 17 people to choose from, so we built a 16 person/team bracket, with one wild card, who can be brought in whenever the choices are too bad.

The brackets:

Wildcard if needed: Celia Morales

<...

Well, it's been a while since Mary and I recorded, so we got a little long and rambly.

But, Jane continues to be interesting, which is distressing. She is also stalking Jake, and she gets busted. Of course, we are a little shaky, because it was Billy of all people that cracked the case. Weird.

Also weird: Samantha. She is going along with Sydney's scheme to hide Sam's identity while Syd sells her art. Adding to the weird: Sydney tells the truth immediately upon being challenged in her web...

Since we were so fortunate to have our resident Gen Z expert join us to discuss 5.5 - we posed an intriguing query:

If you had to spend a weekend with the characters of Melrose Place, who are you taking where?

Which character would be serving at the Chappel Roan concert? Who is more of a classical music girlie? Who doesn't get invited?

Let's let our Gen X hearts view ourselves through a Gen Z lens.

Listen ...

You just want to hear this story about what's happening in the good town of West Allis, Wisconsin.

Not the worst title they've had in a while.

We are to believe that Jane's brief love affair with Jake last season was so deep that she'd now stand by and watch Jake and Alison burn in a fire she accidentally caused. But she did not get this obsessed over Michael and his magical ... okay.

Taylor and Peter continue to be an intriguing slow boil. She keeps finding ways to bump into him, including hearing that he is in Palm Springs and convincing her husband to show up at...

We are back for another flashback episode - this time digging into the archives of our notes to remember what happened to our main characters in season two of Melrose Place. Which main character had the *worst* time of it in season two?

Join us on this walk down memory lane as we work our way through this tournament of ten.

The brackets:

Alison

v.

Billy

Jo

v.

Amanda

<...

There is no apostrophe in this title and yes that is absolutely incorrect but we do not make the laws of America.

And tbh, if we did, we wouldn't start with Melrose Place titles. So Burnin Love it is, even if the red squiggly line appears.

Big news - Jane sets Alison's apartment on fire and fade to black while she watches it burn. Bigger news - it's been a long time since Jane was boring. It just kind of snuck up on us.

...

Well, here's what happened - we finished the Models, Inc. 'Cast, with sadness in our hearts, thinking we would never again enjoy the entertainment of this arm of the fictional Melrose Place / 90210 / Models, Inc. universe.

Alas, building towards our final episodes of the entire podcast, probably still a few years out, we realized that we needed to identify which characters from Models, Inc. would be elevated into the final tournaments - exploring each season for the saddest main character, and most awesome guest star.

So, we have it...

How hard do you have to convince a police officer that he should "shoot to kill"? That's the high art Melrose Place tackled this week. The answer: not very hard. Especially if they're hunky but skittish park rangers.

Also, Mary points out the traumatic experience Sam has dealing with Jane and Sydney this week, as she rolls up, shouts "toot toot, sorry I'm late!" and is suddenly ducking bullets.

Taylor is still scheming in what is a relatively slow burn in the world of Melrose Place. We still don't...

Look, because we* are completionist, we *have* to go back to past seasons and identify the guest star we'd most like to podcast with.  Of course then at the very end of this podcast, when we've watched our last episode but still keep churning out special episodes, we can have a proper tournament of season champions.

* I am obligated to say that "we" means "Teege"

This week, we'll discuss the season one guest stars to identify who we'd most like to join us in the podcasting studio.  Who would be...

Why are we calling him Dick, now? Is this some pop culture moment from way back that we don't understand? Or was it meant to be a bit racy?

Peter and Amanda are arguing over whether or not Peter killed his first wife. Amanda, mystically, thinks he could never do something like that even though he was on probation for attempting to murder her.

Michael is helping Kimberly along, hoping she'll regain her memory, but mostly being a dutiful husband. It's nice.

Matt continues...

You can't get it out of your head - the image of Kimberly and Sydney, flowing attire flapping in the wind, casually eating ice cream while walking along the beach and plotting a M U R D E R of Michael Mancini.

Or as they say in My Cousin Vinny, Murder IN THE FIRST DEGREE!

But, did their ginger plot start with murder, or was it more of a slow build? Maybe the began by imagining what would happen if they just released a little air from his tires every now and then, requiring him...

If you are as confused and dumbfounded as we are about the re-election of Donald Trump, then join us on this special inauguration day episode.

Mary and I work through each of the characters, with a remarkable ability to know how they voted on a secret ballot, to determine just how the election tilted towards Donald Trump.

This is a throwback episode, for sure.  But in order to be completionists, after the rousing success of the Tournament of Sadness at season three, we went back and revisited the first season.  Using an epic tournament style deliberation, we answer the question: which Melrose Place character had the worst season?

Here are the brackets:

The Mrs. Mancinis
Jane / Sydney
Winner takes on: Kimberly

They Live Above Jake
Rhonda / Sandy
Winner takes on: Jo

The D&D Dream Team
Alison / Amanda
Winner takes on: Billy Duration: 00:49:25

Melrose Place is back for another season, and so are we!

We come back to see what happened with the fact that Richard, while dead, was literally crawling out of the ground. His psychological warfare on Jane Mancini is epic. Also, who exactly is the villain in this scenario?

Alison and Jake are dating behind Billy's back, to spare his feelings. I can't wait to see how this turns out.

Peter is in jail, and his arrest apparently makes front page news in ::checks...

Okay, fine - so the incest was creepy. Let's try to jazz this up with two former fiancés who always seemed like a better brother and sister than they did future spouses.

However - is the Folgers ad too boring without the incest overtones?

Okay, so a brother / sister remix weirded Mary out.

So did big brother / little brother even though they just act like they're full brothers, when in reality, they're half brothers.

So let's go in another direction. We asked robot to write us a version of the ad that even frat boys wouldn't be weirded out by.

Well, perhaps robot understood frat boys better than us.

We're continuing our journey to use robot to rewrite a more acceptable ad than what Folgers delivered fifteen years ago.

Let's see what robot thinks would happen if we rolled the Hanson brothers into the ad, with the Jo walking in at an inopportune moment.

The Folgers ad really shocked the conscience of a troubled nation.

Robot helps us imagine what that commercial would have looked like if the brother / sister combo were indeed Amanda Woodward and David Michaels, with Hillary Michaels stepping in at an uncomfortable moment.

Folgers Incest Ad: The Oral History of "Coming Home" for the Coffee Commercial's 10th Anniversary | GQ In 2009, Folgers released a nice, downhome, wholesome ad, where a brother and sister are clearly into each other.

Mary had never seen the ad.

Until now.

With Richard literally crawling out of the ground after being buried, we ask robot to help us imagine a scenario where Melrose Place and The Walking Dead cross over.

Who will win in a leadership battle between Amanda Woodward and Rick Grimes?

Is Daryl Dixon or Alison Parker the better sidekick?

Which Melrose Place characters will take advantage of the zombie horde to begin an illicit affair?

Also, who was the Scud Stud?

As is custom, we wrap up the season with an overarching view of this entire season as one contribution to the culture.

But is it art or is it trash?

We both take our best shot at winning this argument before, mercilessly, burying the season right alongside Richard, where I'm sure it will never be heard from again. Certainly it won't be literally crawling out of the ground in a few months.

We're nearing the end of our legally-required human resources intervention.

At least as it relates to Melrose Place.

Let's round out this mini-series with a thorough analysis of what an HR professional thinks might be uniquely problematic in the Melrose (work) Places during season four.

In a recent special episode, expert guest Christopher (of Melrose Sheltering In Place infamy) told us that Sam was the worst character on Melrose Place - and her actions led directly to the worst thing that happened in the entire series.

Of course, Mary and Teege have no idea what he's referring to.

Of course, that won't stop us from throwing out haphazard guesses anyway.

Join us in trying to guess, "What did Sam do?!?"

A long, long, time ago, season one featured a one-episode family for Billy Campbell. He leared at a sexy lady having car troubles on the side of the road, picked her up literally and figurately, dated her for a week, took the kid to Six Flags, lied to Alison, fought the boy's father, and thought "hasta la vista, baby" was a secret code between him and his step son.

But what if Dawn came by later in the series and she was an old girlfriend instead of a rando comedian on the street?

This is a unique situation for us - a main-stay character is coming aboard with just enough background for Mary and I to speculate while simultaneously being someone we know nothing about.

So while Sydney and Kimberly both had some guest appearances before becoming a season regular, we both knew what to expect.

Sam? No clue.

So Mary and I are guessing - with our rival and threat to our podcast kingdom, Christopher, is here to tell us how close we are.

What could make season three more explosive than a boat bombing and a building bombing?

HR forms in triplicate dealing with the decisions our lovely characters are making along the way.

Well, mercifully, it's over for Jo Beth Reynolds. She came in as a dark, mysterious, sophisticated photographer from New York City, and left, we think, as Dominick O'Malley's plus one for an uplifting tour of war-torn Bosnia.

But was Jo's entire story line high art for the generations worthy of literary praise, or was it just giving trashy soap opera, and that's fine?

To join us in this important discussion, we have our evergreen rival, Christopher, from Melrose Sheltering in Place Podcast fame.

Let's...

As you've heard by now, it has infuriated Teege that the actress who played Linda on Models, Inc. was brought into Melrose Place as the character Claire, instead of bringing Linda back to Melrose Place.

Nothing had to change. Linda would have worked just well with the storyline. Why did they do this?

Just to hurt Teege?

Probably.

So join us, as Teege manipulates artificial intelligence to remix this up with a little bit of a rewrite.

What a stunning end to a long, long season.

Jane and Sydney kill a man (Richard) who is crawling out of the ground, presumably unhappy with his current situation.

Jo and O'Malley have their long goodbye, and now it seems like Jo is going to be back next season but IMDB says no, no, no.

Kimberly goes on a redemption arc only to flatline right when Peter needs her to testify. What does she need to testify to again? Oh, right, Bobby Parezi's death.<...

This episode has everything you could ever want in Melrose Place. Amanda and Michael are gumshoe capers trying to crack the case like they're on a special episode of Melrose Place 'Cast Investigates.

Meanwhile, the heartthrob and organrob that is Peter Burns seduces Priscila Presley, only to be busted as two genuine patients of Willowbrook follow him out.

Peter is going to get a full lobotomy, while Michael and Amanda dick around and hang out by the dumpsters outside the building.

Billy and Alison go on one last date and the fire is...

The court-ordered intervention of human resources continues. Let's find out what this global powerhouse of HR-ness has to say about what happened in the second season of Melrose Place.

To be clear - he is not pleased and thinks there may be some policy work needed by the good people at Dungeons and Dragons Advertising.

Well this was a wild ride. We are joined by our expert millenial guest, Gail, who voted well this week.

Things we discussed: are we still doing shock therapy? Is karma a bitch, or is that just Monday's? How much did we all enjoy Jake putting Billy in his place? Does it matter that Alison and Jake are going to hook up? How do we address Jane's story line? Is Dr. O'Malley interesting or generic?

All this and more, as we wind down season four!

Whatever happened to Carrie from Models, Inc.? The last we saw her, she was somewhere in Central America, trapped in "hell, baby. Hooker hell."

Well, Hillary Michaels gets a note from Carrie, which sends her off on a mission to rescue her last, missing model.

And now the stage is set for the mad dash to the season finale.

What do you do with a problem like Bobby? Kill him off.

What do you do with a problem like Alycia? Kill her off.

What do you do with a problem like Jo? Send her off.

Peter and Amanda are now goofy in love? And everything Peter ever did, apparently even attempting to murder Amanda, was because, ::sheepishly:: helovesher.

Billy is now back to nice Billy...

Have you ever wondered how an HR professional might have impacted the characters and storylines of Melrose Place?

Clearly, the writers never did.

We are very excited to bring you the first of a monthly series - where we bring a decorated and internationally recognized expert in all things human resources, and we tell him what has been happening at D&D, the magazine, Shooters, and more.

Clearly based on True Lies, this episode of Melrose Place appears to be the beginning of a two-episode etch-a-sketch getting ready for the season four finale.

The beauty queen drama has come to LA, with Peter taking the blame for Michael's shenanigans.

Kimberly is losing her grip on reality, conveniently right up against a season finale. Michael appears to be oblivious to the murder attempts from Betsy.

The most offensive scene of the entire series happens, with an on screen sexual assault that went...

Let the record show, the idea of a last minute candidate switch out in the heat of a Presidential candidate was written BEFORE Joe Biden's debate meltdown.

In this one, we follow the tale of Amanda Woodward, Vice Presidential nominee for, let's be real, the Republican Party.

Kimberly and Matt end their fables and foibles with one last adventure ... going way down under the rest of the planet, where no one wants to go - in the great nation of Ah-straw-leeah.

That's right, we are closing the loop on Chris Marchette, and all of the returning characters from Matt and Kimberly's spin off.

Matt and Kimberly continue their adventures, although robot seems to have forgotten that this was to be a sitcom.

Either way, we manage to catch up with Kay Beacon, who makes a stunning reappearance in the Melrose Place universe after last being spotted criticizing Jane for the rent on a storefront.

It's the spin off Mary has claimed she's been wanting for years: an all out Kimberly / Matt sitcom. But, it's still Melrose Place, so it's filled with dramatics, crime fighting, sex, and sarcasm.

In this remix, Brittany is back, and somehow, connected to Jack Parezi. We think we might have hit the limits of the robot's natural processing abilities, as tensions and intrigues rotate between heightening, quickening, and calming.

It's the spin off Mary has claimed she's been wanting for years: an all out Kimberly / Matt sitcom. But, it's still Melrose Place, so it's filled with dramatics, crime fighting, sex, and sarcasm.

In this remix, Jack Parezi comes into the universe, not to get Amanda back, but to get back at Kimberly and Matt. Will evil triumph over more evil?

Coming soon - a FIVE WEEK special considering what would have happened if Matt and Kimberly had run off together after season three when they were both facing charges for murder.

Mystery.

Crime.

Murder.

Intrigue.

All this, and more.

All. July. Long.

In an epic collaboration between different intellectual properties, the cast of Melrose Place must confront enemies darker and more mysterious than ever before.

Well, everything wraps up and ends. It is a sad, sad say for Teege and Mary, as the Models, Inc. 'Cast comes to its inevitable end. Of course, we knew there was no second season when we started, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Grayson's promised hitman arrives, accidentally killing Grayson at the wedding WITH NO VIABLE ESCAPE ROUTE, and chloroforms Carrie to Hell, Baby, Hooker Hell, somewhere in Central America.

Sarah's dad comes to town and punches Ben in order to defend Sarah from her addictions. Turns...

It's almost over - unless someone comes through with the Models, Inc. reboot we've all been hoping for!

This is the second to last episode ... and the final one before Mary watches the show again before recording a podcast about it. Does that mean she has been coming to this spin-off unprepared? You decide.

Eric leaves his lady for good.

Sarah has to turn on Grayson after failing a drug test, stripping with no memory of it, accidentally giving away $40,000 for one dance, and...

Is it Billy was flying high and crashed with Amanda? Or Michael's newfound commitment to his wife? Peter's chance with Amanda? Amanda's new contract? Who knows - whatever went up is now coming down.

Melrose Place, now featuring child abuse. Or, are we going to find out that Lori's just a single mom who works too hard, who loves her kid and never stops, with a gentle hand and a heart of a fighter, she's a survivor?

Bobby and Sydney are going to nowhere interesting, and fast. How is...

Can this title have been any more in appropriately selected? One google search for Triumph of the Will and we feel like we're on a watch list somewhere.

Anyway - this week was fun. Amanda suddenly has a boss that's part of the ol' boys network, who totally has a bromance for Billy. To get her way to the top (?) of the agency that she is currently President of, she sleeps with Billy, while staring at the ceiling. To make it more demeaning, they did it at the conference, with Billy (presumably) loud enough...

We have an all new special guest - the Boring undertaker herself comes on to discuss Melrose Place, and maybe, just maybe, confront Melrose Mary about the appropriate care of human cremains.

Also, we talk about all things Melrose Place. Matt's sexuality, his relationships with David and Alan, Sydney, Peter, Amanda, and everyone in between.

Look, we recorded this episode two weeks ago and I can't remember the plot details as I write it - but also Jane and Jo and Richard are fighting.

We're heading headlong into the series finale, and there's just enough time to wrap things up messily.

Sarah from Iowa is getting hooked on drugs by Ben, formerly Adam's goon, now Grayson's goon. This will drive Sarah into Hookers, Inc.

Carrie is already in Hookers, Inc., having been driven to failure as a waitress by Grayson. She comes in handy when Grayson needs to blackmail a judge.

Julie and Anna are heating up, as only step-sisters can. SISTERS! Anna all out kisses Craig in...

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING!

We interrupt your regular stream of Melrose Place content to discuss our hopes, dreams, and fears for the new Melrose Place Reboot.

Imagine, if you will, Matt operating as a more dutiful best man / gay of honor for Michael and Sydney's wedding in season two? What would have happened if he had hired Rhonda's Culinary Funk to do the catering?

"Does Michael know about this?"

It is like Christmas in the spring time, because much to our surprise, BETSY JONES HAS ARRIVED! We were expecting Betsy as a season five specialty, but here she is, ready to go!

Additionally, Jo gets in on the blackmail business, although she's probably not going to be very good at it.

Richard is now working for Jane, so that's awkward.

Matt and Alan are in tuxedos on an altar, but sadly, there's a bride there as well.

Imagine, if you will, what life would have looked like on Melrose Place if they couldn't land Heather Locklear as a permanent cast member, but still needed to do some stunt casting.

What if they brought in: Monica Lewinski, looking to escape her scandal-prone life in DC, and Bozo The Clown, with a dark, and mysterious secret...

We're heading for the series finale, and thanks to IMDB's summary of this episode, I am spoiled by one of the main storylines - specifically what Anna is doing here.  No worries though, I won't ruin it for the podcast description, which I assume is read by only a small percentage of people who listen to this.

But, Julie's actual sister-friend, Anna (obnoxiously referred to as a step-sister over and over) shows up to get in good with Julie but she is rebuffed by phone, by the hot tub, and in the office.  She is...

I think we all know who stole the show this week: Madge and Mabel! If you're rewatching along with us, you will no doubt agree that the characters of the week are the cantankerous old bags who think Billy has guts giving them a kick butt campaign.

What else happened? Alycia and Peter are scheming to bring down Bobby. It seems clear to us that Peter is working Alycia with the lie about his father, but the writers haven't made it clear. Is it possible that they just wrote that into the script? Amanda...

The reboot hasn't happened ... YET.

Instead, we ask our robot to help us imagine a scenario where the characters of Melrose Place are now running a small college.

Scandal.

Tomfoolery.

Betrayal.

Kimberly's ghost.

I'd enroll.

Well, the time has come for us to say goodbye to our first title-screened character since Rhonda walked out of Melrose Place and into her suburban catering empire.

Brooke, we hardly knew ye. Your scheming face, your every-day-gal persona, and your blackmail skills have left a lasting mark on the Melrose Place universe.

You'll actually be missed.

Julie is growing and maturing as a person, as evidenced by setting up her boyfriend with a date.

Sarah decides to have an abortion, but then avoids a car accident, apparently losing the baby.

Cynthia is hospitalized, and has a heart to heart moment with Sarah and she decides she wants to live.

As always, the real story is with Grayson, Adam, and Monique.  This is all about paternity, and who is the father.  Surprise, it's Adam.

This show is getting so good and we're bummed that we know it's going to...

Well, Mary continues to be offended by the offensive and offending episode titles - this one about Brooke playing the role of satan in a dripping dress from her accidental drowning.

We get into it this week - more fan mail, this time involving a purple urn, ala Paul Bearer in 1996. We also discuss Matt, Allen, and the alleged lesbian involved in their relationship.

We discuss Amanda and Bobby, but only out of contractual necessity. But Peter and Alycia are at least interesting in this whole mess.

<...

What a sad loss of potential it was for all of the Models, Inc. characters to be sent away when Hillary closed the business.

Imagine, if you will, a scenario where David comes to LA, not knowing Amanda is his sister, and then...

This is the end, it appears, for Brooke. Everything important to her has been taken - her marriage, her feud with Alison, her job, her Daddy, her fiance, her baby, her house, it's all gone, gone gone. She falls, hits her head on the pool, and floats in the water. So....?

Meanwhile, Jake manifests a garage, allowing us to have perhaps the best zinger of the series, "I'm sorry, did I park in the middle of your company?"

Bobby and Amanda ... dear god make it stop. They continue continuing...

Laugh all you want, but this show is getting better and better.  If they had a little more time, this would have had a run as long as Melrose Place.

Cynthia's bulimia continues to worsen, causing her boyfriend to yell at her about her sexual assault in a public place and then break up with her at work as she is feeling lightheaded.  So his male feminist card is gone.

Julie buys the movie rights to Skin Deep for "a buck and a blow job" (that's our term, not the term on the show) - an...

Apparently, this was a play on the phrase "booby trap" - and it took Mary's English degree to figure it out. Bobby and Amanda are in mortal danger, although the end is not in doubt.

Sydney is eating the most godawful bagel situation you could imagine. Even Michael is grossed out.

Michael drugs Kimberly, and then is shocked that she doesn't want to get back together.

Jane is recovering nicely, and drags Jake's dirty ass boots into the pool. Yuck.